“When My Sweetheart’s Not OK, I’m Not OK”: Andrea Collier on Loving Relationships and Personal Health

Take the Test

“When My Sweetheart’s Not OK, I’m Not OK”: Andrea Collier on Loving Relationships and Personal Health

Posted February 27, 2018 by Joe Jarvis

The book wasn’t supposed to be about health. When Andrea King Collier wrote “Still with Me: A Daughter’s Journey of Love and Loss,” she only intended to document the last 12 months of her mother’s struggle with ovarian cancer. “It started out being a book about mothers and daughters and relationships,” Andrea recently told me. “I wasn’t a health writer, but having gone through that experience, I became one.”

Andrea Collier Simon & Schuster published “Still with Me” in 2003. Since then, Andrea has received various fellowships for her health journalism and essays, which have appeared everywhere from “Ladies Home Journal” to “The Washington Post.” She also published another book, “The Black Woman’s Guide to Black Men’s Health” in 2007. A few years later, Andrea gave an interview with “Essence” about marriage, and talked at length about the importance of love. Reading that interview, I began to wonder whether a connection existed between the emotional health of loving relationships and the physical health of individual people. I called Andrea to find out.

Joe Jarvis

“Stay with Me” is about relationships and health, but in a subtle way. Your second book, “The Black Woman’s Guide to Black Men’s Health” is also about relationships and health, but in a very straightforward way. Why did you write a book about men’s health, but address it to women? Why is the partner in the relationship so important?

Andrea King Collier

This is what studies show, life experience shows, everything shows: For the most part, men are not socialized to take care of their health in the same way that women might be. If you’re coupled up, even if you hold the health insurance, your wife is probably the person who selected the doctor for your family. She probably goes to the doctor more than you do because she goes to the primary-care doctor and the OBGYN too. She manages the kids’ health with the pediatrician. A woman who cares about a man in her life, whether it’s her husband or brother, she can see things in your health quicker than you can. I can tell by how my husband walks, and if he kicks his leg in his sleep. We’re in bed and all of a sudden the bed feels like a damn flying carpet.

Another thing that I know about relationships and health, if you have a man go to the doctor, he doesn’t pay any attention to what the doctor says. From the time that we got married, I’ve always gone to the doctor’s appointment with my husband. Every single doctor’s visit for 35 years.

Joe

You gave an interview to “Essence,” and you talked about St. Paul’s characterization of love (“Love is patient, love is kind …”). Is there a connection between that kind of love and helping a partner stay healthy?

Andrea

One hundred and ten percent. We’re going through something this week. We’re going back to East Chicago, Indiana to have a memorial service for his mother. I know for him this is absolutely the hardest thing he’s been through and he’s holding it together. But I told somebody, “Look, when my sweetheart’s not OK, I’m not OK.” We’ve been going back and forth (from Michigan to Indiana). One day, I’m doing conference calls. I’m on the computer. One of his siblings said, “Well, make sure you take care of him.” I think I might have given them the cold crazy stare of death. I just stopped what I was doing and I said, “I am working. I’m on the computer. I’m juggling a bunch of stuff, but be clear: My one job, above all else, is to take care of that man.” I’m really clear about what my job is.

Joe

That’s part of what you bring to the relationship. That kind of support is how you take care of your husband, but your husband takes care of you too, right?

Andrea

He makes me laugh every single day. Even in the middle of what we’re going through now. Even when we went through the same thing with my mother. He comes up with some ridiculousness every single day. We find something to laugh about. Also, he gave me support as I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up—even when we had little kids, that was the case.

Joe

So, there is mutual support, but it takes on different forms.

Andrea

And at different times. Sometimes one person needs more of something than the other one.

Joe

You’ve been married for 35 years, but you told “Essence” that the first year was like rodeo riding, and that you kept returning to St. Paul’s writings about love.

Andrea

Love is everything. To love people, to be loved by people, and to be connected to people. The weird thing is personally I am an introvert. Do you remember “The Addams Family?” In my real, most authentic self, I am Wednesday Addams. That’s why I work at home and don’t have a job-job. I don’t want to sit in an office and listen to you tell me about your cat. So, I sit in this little room and I write in my pajamas and I amuse myself. (Andrea is a Primal Originator^®, so it’s no surprise she enjoys personal freedom.)

Joe

Food is a big part of relationships. We care for those we love by giving them food. Do you do any cooking? (Many Originators enjoy cooking, as pointed out in “Inside8 At Play.”)

Andrea

Oh, boy. I do cook, and I am a trained cook. The problem is when you’ve been a really good cook for 35 years, you run out of ideas. You cook meatloaf for 35 years and you don’t really want to cook meatloaf any more. I go through ebbs and flows with it. I travel a lot for my job. If I’ve been gone a long time, my husband will ask me to cook.

Joe

Maybe a meal every once in awhile is only fair, since he makes you laugh so much.

Andrea

Every day.

Joe

You recently took the Inside8 personality test. What did you think of it?

Andrea

It made me feel kind of old, but it gave me things to think about. Trying to figure out your true north is everything, and it never stops. I’m 61. I’m still trying to figure it out. That’s life. As soon as you think you have it figured out, something crazy that you couldn’t have seen coming happens. You just have to know that in the cycle of life, crazy stuff is going to happen. So, just take a seat and wait it out.

You can purchase Andrea’s books via her Amazon author page. More of her writing, including articles about health and politics, are available on Contently.

Joe Jarvis

Joe Jarvis is co-founder and editor of Someone Else, a style journal and production agency based in Chicago. Joe focuses on the core motivations of clothing designers and artists, to help tell their stories. With The Jarvis Report, Joe uses the same approach to discuss personal fulfillment with people in the world of Inside8.

“When My Sweetheart’s Not OK, I’m Not OK”: Andrea Collier on Loving Relationships and Personal Health

Joe Jarvis

Similar Posts

Comments:

Tags

Signup

Privacy Policy