How You Matter

Take the Test

Posted August 14, 2017 by Sean M

“…how you matter is defined by the things that matter to you.” — from An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

We’re talking about risk-taking this month, and one big risk is changing your life to do what matters most to you. It sounds strange that finding personal fulfillment is somehow a risky endeavor. But it can be, so it helps to know the potential roadblocks and pathways forward.

I Love You Just The Way You Are

Some of the biggest obstacles to changing your life originate with outside forces. It starts with your family. What role do you play in the family dynamic? Are you the “smart one,” the “responsible one” or the “funny one?” And how did you find yourself in that role? Every child is looking to distinguish him or herself and find their path. Where do you fall in the family order? Do you have older siblings who already “took” one of the roles you might have wanted? What was left for you to uniquely identify yourself—and does it suit you as an adult? For example, how did your role in the family influence subsequent life choices, including your career and choice of partner?

Families are a powerful force and it’s hard to break from the role they expect you to play. It’s comforting to them—and, even if you don’t like it, on some level it’s comforting to you.

If you try to change, the family will likely resist, consciously and unconsciously. This is mostly because you’re upsetting the accepted order of things. And the funny thing about family members is they know you—they know exactly where to sink the hook to trigger your emotions. In all likelihood, some of them will be among the first to discourage you from changing. Adjusting those relationships is a risk because many of them will have to be reset.

It’s the same dynamic at work. There, you accepted a role and it comes with benefits that are meant to keep you. You can become comfortable with the security a job provides, even if you hate it. Maybe it’s high-stress and you’re constantly working through the night and on weekends. Perhaps you don’t believe in the work or identify with the culture. But you grit your teeth and get through it because you have a family to support, tuition to pay or medical bills that require good health insurance. Changing your job situation is a risk because those benefits are integral to your life.

The human dynamic to resist change applies in almost every relationship. Sure, you’ll have friends who will encourage you and some may even take tangible actions to help you. Cherish those people because they’ll likely be the minority.

That’s because most people love you just the way you are—and will fight to keep you that way. It’s not always a conscious thing. People often need the security of the status quo—including you. Have compassion because it will help moderate the influence of those who might otherwise deter you.

Even if you’re unhappy or unfulfilled, changing your life is a risk. In the process of recreating yourself, you’ll inevitably have to let go of some of what you currently value. Accepting this is the first step toward meaningful change.

How People Change

The gamble of personal change is that you’ll end up better off than where you started—meaning happier and more fulfilled. But it’s not just influential others or the losses associated with change that can deter you from success—it’s the process itself.

Sometimes change is forced on us through a job layoff, loss of a loved one, or some other major event. Other times, we’ve just had enough and decide to act before it’s too late in life.

The key to positive change is coming to it on your own. In his book, How People Change, Allen Wheelis put it this way:

“If one’s destiny is shaped by manipulation one has become more of an object, less of a subject, has lost freedom. It matters little whether the manipulation is known to the person upon whom it acts.

“If, however, one’s destiny is shaped from within then one has become more of a creator, has gained freedom. This is self-transcendence, a process of change that originates in one’s heart and expands outward, always within the purview and direction of a knowing consciousness, begins with a vision of freedom, with an ‘I want to become…’, with a sense of the potentiality to become what one is not. One gropes toward this vision in the dark, with no guide, no map, and no guarantee. Here one acts as subject, author, creator.”

Fortunately, there are torches to bring light to the dark. The key is coming to understand your own values and motivations. Your personal motivations hold the key to creativity, commitment and fulfillment. Knowing them means your life can be in service to those deep needs and high ideals, and not the expectations or rewards that others may provide.

And this is the ultimate reward: once there, you’re unshakable because your beliefs are solid—you’re more connected to yourself, more honest and strong.

Sean M

Sean Murphy is the founder of Inside8®. He has an M.A. in organizational psychology from Columbia University.

How You Matter

Sean M

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